How to Make a Shit First Impression and Never Score Any Clients

Bad Impression

First impressions are crucial in business. If you make the wrong one, you can pretty much guarantee you won’t land the client. Here’s how to do it:

Be Arrogant

Alright, so you’re good at what you do and you know it. Congratulations. No, seriously. That’s a great thing you’ve accomplished – not many people manage it. Now yield that belief in yourself for the power of EVIL. Here are a few tips:

Expect jobs to land in your lap because you’re brilliant. Why wouldn’t people hire you? Never explain what makes you so good either, because people should just inherently understand this without any proof. Refuse to work with the imbeciles who don’t get it. Oh, also, whenever the opportunity arises, correct your prospects or flat out tell them they’re wrong. This is a good line: ‘Hey idiot! That’s a really stupid way of doing things. I’ll make it better for you. Now give me some money.’ You can use it if you want. No charge.

Have No Confidence in Yourself

What’s that? You have the opposite problem to arrogance? That’s cool. You can use lack of confidence in your favour too. So when a prospect approaches you, try this:

First off, tell them your rates are negotiable. Also, make sure they know you’re willing to take on extra work for no extra charge. ‘I’D BE DELIGHTED.’ That’s what you should say.

Ooh, and here’s a good one you probably didn’t think of: ‘Thanks for getting in touch.’ After all, they’re doing you a favour by even considering hiring you and your measly talents. Never omit the thanking part, otherwise people might think you’re the one who’s going to help them. Sheesh.

Spell Things Wrong

Look, if you don’t want to score any clients, you’re going to have to make it clear that you’re unprofessional – and hands down the best way to accomplish this in a matter of seconds is to use appalling spelling, punctuation and grammar. Only somebody who takes their work and reputation seriously would even think about hitting the shift key or proofreading anything, and who wants to be like those losers?

Have a Shockingly Bad Website

Clashing colours, at least four navigation menus, and, well, basically cramming as much stuff as you can onto the screen is the best approach here. Check out this post for more tips.

Or No Website at All

Actually, wait. Why go to all that bother of creating a website in the first place? Much easier to neglect the whole process, and just send out random anonymous-looking emails instead. If you don’t have any web presence at all, that’s even better.

Be Bland

For the love of Jeebus, try not to insert any personality into your writing. If prospects suspect you of having even a pickle’s worth of uniqueness, they might consider working with you. To vanquish this problem, try to use lots of adjectives and adverbs, definitely do not swear, and if you could use as much jargon and tech-talk as possible, that would be fabulous. Using the most common verbs you can think of may also help. (Why say strut when you can say walk?) Oh, hey! Here’s a tip: read everything out loud, and if it sounds fucking weird and robotic, go ahead with it.

Be All Business

Know what it means to be ‘all business’? It means there’s no room for being human, which is awesome if you want absolutely zero prospects to relate to you. Sneak in some more of that jargon we talked about, and get to crunching numbers ASAP. Leave out all that lame ‘what are you trying to achieve’ and ‘who are you trying to help’ nonsense. What are you, some sort of sissy? And whatever you do, do NOT try to engage in a regular human conversation.

And that’s it. Stick to these simple rules and you will have zero clients knocking down your door in no time.

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